Depression is a disease that can make marriage miserable. When one spouse is depressed, it affects both partners. It can rob emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy and drives both partners into isolation.
If your spouse is depressed, you might feel ignored, unimportant and frustrated. Maybe you wonder why your mate can’t just turn off the negativity and get on with life. If you’re the one who is depressed, perhaps you wish that your spouse would get off your back, while feeling trapped with little hope for recovery.
Stigmas and misconceptions often prevent those with depressive illnesses (which often include anxiety and panic) from getting treatment. If you recognize any of these key symptoms persisting in your spouse for more than a few weeks, check with your family doctor: daily sadness; loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed; restless, anxious or irritable behaviour; trouble concentrating, focusing or remembering; excessive weariness and lethargy; sleeping or eating too much or too little; unexplained aches and pains; and/or thoughts of suicide or death.
Flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. In the same way, it’s important to prepare yourself before attempting to assist your depressed spouse. Deep sorrow can be infectious, and it’s not uncommon for caregivers to develop symptoms of depression themselves. Guard against this possibility by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and staying in the Word. Keep an eye on your kids. Children are often vulnerable to a parent’s anxiety. Also, don’t underestimate the value of caring friends and family at times like this. Let loved ones help you with day-to-day tasks, and allow them to listen to and pray with you. The surest way to intensify your struggle is to isolate yourself and your immediate family from those who love you.
When a caregiver understands that clinical depression is a genuine medical condition, he or she may actually feel empowered. It’s encouraging to realize there are a number of tangible ways to help a spouse who is depressed:
DO
- Help them see that the family needs them to get well
- Listen; give credibility to their feelings
- Seek help for yourself and offer to see a therapist with them
- Encourage them to consider medication; as most people suffering from depressive disorders can be treated successfully with modern medications
- Show affection; encourage them to get out and do things with you
DON’T
- Make them feel guilty for the impact of their illness on the family
- Blame or criticize them, or imply that they need help because they’re weak
- Immediately exclude other family members from counselling, as sometimes, complex relational issues involving several family members can spark depression
- Expect medication to solve everything, or discount the need for prayer and talk therapy
- Let them continue in a pattern of sleep and isolation
No matter who in the marriage is suffering from depression, there is hope. Now is the time to take steps toward healing. The sooner you act, the sooner you can change your relationship for the better. Be reassured that depression is a diseasewith a physical basis. The person who has a tendency toward depression isn’t at fault if his or her emotions begin a downward spiral.
If you feel depression beginning to clamp its cold hands upon you, commit to doing these things:
- Be thankful for those around you who are trying to help you through the bout of depression.Depression makes you want to stay away from everyone, and it also makes you feel as if no one could really love you. But in staying spiritually and socially connected, you are giving less power and authority to your present emotional state.
- Try to keep from making any major decision. Life looks much more bleak when you’re depressed. So, any decision you make during this time will be coloured by a false sense of what’s going on in your relationships, your work, and your family.
Try this: when you feel that horrible negative emotion coming on and think to say, “Oh no, here it comes again. I’m in for a horrible time.”, say this instead: “Mood, here is an opportunity for me to show great faith, courage and strength. I will refrain from disconnecting from life and others during this time.” It might not stop the depression, but it can surely transform what it does to your heart and mind in the midst of emotional storms.